Since coming to Thailand, it's become apparent that I just don't know that much about myself. I continue to be amazed about the things that I struggle with and my own character that I seem to fight against on a daily basis. I'm learning about the boundaries I need and the type of missionaries I "click" with, and the ones that I don't, and how to develop relationships with both.
I think mission trips have a way of revealing the hidden, ugly things we like to keep buried in our hearts. Like selfishness for instance. I'm always amazed at the way that ugly quality continues to show it's face at the most opportune moments.
I've struggled with transition here. I'm struggling with my unmet expectations here as far as doing what I thought I would come here to do, and doing what the Lord's assigned me for this short while. Homeschooling was never what I had in mind for 3 months, but it was what the Lord had in mind. Though I accept it, I still wrestle with it and the challenges it brings. And the fact that it brings out the scariest part of me- my selfishness.
Learning to working as a team, and accepting the things that I didn't plan for really turns my character inside-out so that all the smiles and masks wear away, and below you can see me, sitting there, shaking my fist, and wanting my way and being unsure of it all. And trying my best to roll with the punches, but being ready to give up at any second. Because truthfully, I'm frail and weak...and not as confident as I look. And I need something...someone greater to lean on and to trust in. Jesus.
"This isn't about you." I can't tell you how many times God has whispered that to my heart. And it hits me a like a ton of bricks. This never was about me. And I'm humbled. "Caring for other believers (Heb. 6:10)," and humbly obeying God and serving others are what I'm called to do right here, right now.
It always kicks me in the gut when I read in Philippians 2:3-4, "Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others too." And it goes on to talk about the attitude Christ took while on earth, He "took the humble position of a servant" and "humbled himself in obedience to God." And what did God do? God lifted Him up (verse 9).
So here I am, re-learning that selfishness doesn't bring anything but more selfishness. And it's the seeking of humility and love for others on a daily basis that brings me more joy than I can ever imagine. And the often oh-so-hard part for an independent American such as myself. Learning to lean on Christ and trust Him for the strength and love when I don't feel I have anymore to give- that's the best part. He's the only well deep enough to withstand the droughts of life, while continuing to overflow. And I pray that His love would continue to overflow in my life and relationships with others.
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